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Saturday, February 6, Eye to the Sky radio with Dee Andrew

Dee Andrew of Eye to the Sky

Dee Andrew of Eye to the Sky

This Saturday, February 6, tune in to Eye to the Sky radio with hostess Dee Andrew, and Skylaire Alfvegren, master of disaster, as we discuss a number of subjects, including the Fortean mindset, my recent adventures in synchronicity, and undoubtedly, unexplained things in the sky.

7:00 (EST) 6:00pm (CST) 5:00 pm (MST) 4:00 pm (PST).

(Shows are archived on the site, as well.)

listen: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/ufo-paranormal-radio-network

http://www.eye2thesky.net/

You kids and your technology!

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RELATIVE SYNCHRONICITY (ONE IN AN OCCASIONAL SERIES)

I often determine whether or not I am “going in the right direction” depending on the level of coincidence and synchronicity I find in my life at any particular time… this past week or so, it’s been off the charts, I thought I’d share some of it, and invite you to share your own synchronistic experiences with us!

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I have a cat. He is a ridiculous cat, whose birthday falls five days after that of my boyfriend. Cats I’ve always found aloof, but the Orange Baron is special. He appeared in my living room, with a woman named Michelle, a foster mom to abandoned kittens rescued in various locations around Los Angeles, about a year ago.

It was her deceased brother who had helped me get my first $1 a word writing assignment over a decade ago. She passed on the news that his long-time companion had recently passed away in his sleep; that fellow had been very close friends with a now-dead former room-mate of mine, by coincidence

Some nights ago I scanned an ancient interview with psychedelic researcher, Terence McKenna. Nine pages in, at the very end, my co-author pokes fun at the fact that Terence is trying to set my up with his only son, born the same year I was. His name is Finn. So is my cat’s.

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Just the other day, I asked for a guest list spot for a friend’s lecture. No problem, he says, and asks me when Cheap Trick is coming back to town, who we had seen together last year. I go online; they’ve got a one-off show in Boston. No local luck, even though they play 200+ shows a year. In the morning, I click on the radio. Cheap Trick ticket give-away coming up; a local show had been announced that morning. No tour, just two random gigs, one a mile from my house, the other in Boston.

A few hours later, I get a call… from Boston. My boyfriend had been the victim of a hit-and-run there, asks me to price out body shops. I post a plea on Facebook, and get one and only one response, from a fellow whose acquaintance I first made when he was doing publicity for a band I was writing about.

The band, of course, happened to be Cheap Trick.

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I get tea with some friends that come to Mr. Cheap Trick’s lecture with me. Around us, tables have numbers on them–78, 53. The waiter places #9 on ours, my long-time lucky number. The next night, I meet my uncle, his Illuminati/Masonic conspiracy friend, and the singular, mystic entity known as “Stevie D.”

There to see Terry Gilliam’s fantastic new film, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, it’s playing in theatre #9, of a possible 12. Stevie D hands me my ticket– #23, as my uncle’s friend comments on the black and white checker motif in the film’s trailer–23 being an interesting number, whose significance is far-reaching, “the magic synchronistic number,” as its called by some.

Earlier in the evening, I posted my first thing on this very blog. (Luddite that I am, I had been having our webmaster post everything for me.) “Did you notice,” he writers, after I return from the theatre. “…that your first post was the 23rd? And also, I added a translator widget… the 23rd widget… how’s that for Erisian synchronicity?”

*********

Last year, I got it in my head that I should become a Mason, although I am female. After a handful of conversations with a member of a major local lodge, I lost interest.

A few nights ago, Masonry crept back into my consciousness… I don’t recall exactly how. I get a call from the road, would I please check the temperature in Denver over the course of the night (Denver airport, of course, being a major spot of Masonic speculation). I go online; the temperature is and continues to hold steady for the next dozen hours at 33 degrees.

The next afternoon, I stumble upon a lodge practicing co-Masonry, or Adoptive Masonry, which is to say, it includes women. I am elated, as they have three lodges in the U.S., and the only one on the west coast happens to be here in Los Angeles. (Say what you will of the Masons, my opinion is that one cannot condemn what one is ignorant of.)

Out of the blue, someone reminds me of a lecturer I am going to see this Sunday. “He is very kind to the neophytes,” I read in one screen on my computer as I write the organizer for a special ticket discount for LOWFI. Tickets for us, she writes, will be $33. I think that odd, and write her back to clarify. “I meant $35. Don’t know why I wrote that!” She said.

Chores finished, I got for a stroll down Melrose, and in front of a rack of women’s dresses in the window of a shop I frequent, was this t shirt:
fauxmason

(It was designed by the same fellow who created the Obama HOPE poster, although I’m not trying to make a connection between the two, of course.)

*********

The germ of this post began the day after Thanksgiving. My family is fractured and strange. My grandmother had a sister, who had a daughter, who I learned lived in southern California. In the two years I had her number, I couldn’t bring myself to call. What would I say? I am no fan of awkward pauses.

I call her the night after Thanksgiving, leave a message at her home number, even though the outgoing message explains she’s out of town, please call there. I don’t want to bother her, and wax poetic about the passage of time.

Much to my surprise, she calls me the next day. “We do not suffer from insanity, we rather enjoy it,” a theatrical voice tells me. Oh, yeah, we’re related! She had been holding onto her mother’s ancient checkbook cover, and it told her to check her messages at home. She had been looking for me for seven years.

We speak on the phone, and meet at her friend’s Christmas party. Too long to spell out here, the encounter would be better suited to celluloid–it was THAT funny. She has embraced our Indian heritage, tells me many things; yes, I am related to the McCoys (of the Hatfields and McCoys), yes, my grandfather was a visionary and did want to be a priest, until he met my hot grandma; yes, she really is a sage farmer… On our way out, she follows my boyfriend and I banging a native American drum and chanting.

I had asked her what her birthday was; she was born the very minute the bomb was dropped on Nagasaki. When I get home, I leaf through a pile of clippings someone had sent me; on top of the pile is an article about Lucile Ball, for no apparent reason. Her birthday: August 6th. Funny, that’s my relative’s birthday, as well…

I crack open one of my favorite books, The Secret Language of Birthdays, a fabulous astrological resource which has a detailed, metaphysical and practical astrological profile for each of the 365 days of the year. When ever I do an interview, I consult The Secret Language for insight into the character of the individual I am about to interview.

I am curious about this wacky relative of mine, turn to her pages, and discover that her day is said to be “The Day of Unique Happenings.”

My eyes drift to the right hand corner, for it is there that I scribble names of people born that day, that I know, love, admire, have interviewed, or despise. Who do I find shares my crazy relative’s birthday?

My patron saint, my favorite philosopher, and the inspiration for this group… Charles Fort.

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What Should L.A. Say to the Space Aliens?

From KCET’s Think Tank LA

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By Jeremy Rosenberg
December 11, 2009 1:30 AM

UFObody.jpgLast week, the Los Angeles Times carried this dispatch: “Is Denver ready for a close encounter?

Tongues planted firmly in cheek, Ashley Powers and DeeDee Correll wrote about how a Denver ballot initiative next year will attempt to create an “Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission.” From the article:

This week, Denver officials announced that Peckman had gathered about 4,000 valid signatures needed to place the issue before the 350,000 registered voters of the Colorado state capital.If approved, the city panel would promote “harmonious, peaceful, mutually respectful and beneficial coexistence” between earthlings and extraterrestrials, in part by developing protocols for “diplomatic contact.”

For more Mile High reaction, TTLA checked in with our Denver Bureau Chief, Michael Gunstanson. His reply runs below.

Also, TTLA wondered, shouldn’t Los Angeles be doing something about this Denver gap? Should we start gathering signatures? Form our own space alien welcoming committee?

“That’s really funny,” says TTLA Paranormal Activities Bureau Chief, Skylaire Alfvegren (motto: “Yellow journalism, elfin magic.”). “I don’t think it’s necessary. I think this guy’s initiative in Denver is more of a gesture than anything else.”

Alfvegren is, among much more, the founder of the League of Western Fortean Intermediatists (L.O.W.F.I.), which she describes in part as a “wire service for the weird,” studying “the mysteries and peculiarities of the American West, including paranormal phenomena, UFOs, cryptozoology, and unexplained phenomena of every type.”

More down below from Alfvegren. First, though, here’s what Gunstanson, formerly with the L.A. Times and the Rocky Mountain News, wrote us:

“So you think that the city of Angels might want to follow Denver’s lead and get in on the act of communing with them, or at least their 21st century brethren, huh?

“Not surprising. For whatever reason, UFOs, extraterrestrials, grays, men from mars or whatever you want to call them, have been in the news a great deal of late. From their high-profile, if albeit tumbling ratings, return to network television in “V” to a veiled nod of their existence in the new SyFy channel spinoff: “Stargate Universe,” aliens seem to be everywhere at once.

“Why, no less an, ahem, authority on the subject, his Holiness, the Pope, recently convened a conference to discuss the matter:

“Though it may seem an unlikely location to happen upon a conference on astrobiology, the Vatican recently held a “study week” of over 30 astronomers, biologists, geologists and religious leaders to discuss the question of the existence of extraterrestrials. – Universe Today

“The Vatican’s chief astronomer says there is no conflict between believing in God and in the possibility of extraterrestrial “brothers” perhaps more evolved than humans.

“In my opinion this possibility exists,” said the Reverend José Gabriel Funes, head of the Vatican Observatory and a scientific adviser to Pope Benedict XVI, referring to life on other planets. – NY TImes

“Meanwhile, Monsignor Corrado Balducci, a theologian member of the Vatican Curia (governing body), and an insider close to the Pope, has gone on Italian national television five times to proclaim that extraterrestrial contact is a real phenomenon, according to UFO Digest. Balducci provided an analysis of extraterrestrials that he feels is consistent with the Catholic Church’s understanding of theology. Monsignor Balducci emphasizes that extraterrestrial encounters “are NOT demonic, they are NOT due to psychological impairment, they are NOT a case of entity attachment, but these encounters deserve to be studied carefully.”

“So you can see why Denver, having missed out on the spaceport race – mostly because there isn’t a piece of land big enough and flat enough to work – would want to be at the forefront of the UFO greeting race.

“Add in these facts: most UFOlogists — yes, I’m told that’s a word — believe Eisenhower only added “In God We Trust” to the money and pushed for “under God” to be added to the pledge in 1954 after meeting with aliens; Denver is a scant 9 hours from Roswell, where aliens reportedly crashed; Cheyenne Mountain was where the military stored the Stargate (if you can believe the writers/producers of Stargate: SG1) and you can see that Denver, and the state of Colorado has had a rich “brush with UFO fame” history in this regard.

“All that said, my guess is this measure will not pass.”

Back, now, to Los Angeles and Alfvegren. A veteran of the Cacophony Society (adults only) she’s also a freelancer for the LA Weekly and other pubs. Her L.O.W.F.I. puts on events in town once a month or so — a drive through Phillip K. Dick’s Fullerton; taking a psychic medium to the Richard Nixon Museum.

Saturday, December 12, L.O.W.F.I. is involved with L.A. Santacon, a Cacophony tradition. (Adults only — for more information, follow the links from the L.O.W.F.I. events page.)

To TTLA’s surprise, Alfvegren says L.A. has no business following Denver’s ballot initiative lead.

“We have so much to worry about in this state, in this economy,” Alfvegren says. “As interesting and life-changing as it would be to have someone make contact, well, I heard on the radio the other night that something like 70% percent of single mothers in Los Angeles County can’t meet their basic financial needs in terms of child care, health care, and food. You’ve got to put things in perspective.”

Okay, if a ballot initiative is out, then what if local politicians got directly involved?

“If a measure like Denver’s slipped in somehow,” Alfvegren says, “I don’t think anybody on our City Council has enough of a sense of humor to say, “Oh look, it’s promoting peace and harmony among everybody. Let’s okay this.’”

The L.O.W.F.I. leader also says she’s seen civic proposals she regards as stranger than the Denver idea: “Pot dispensaries having to be 1,000 feet from residential areas is a far crazier ballot initiative than one that’s promoting diplomacy and harmony and peace between us and whoever else may be out there.”

Photo Credit: The image accompanying this post was taken by Flickr user Eliya. It was used under Creative Commons license.

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On This JFK Day…

In memory of John Fitzgerald Kennedy on this JFK Day, here are two songs, both commemorating that fateful day, the day the world changed…

The Human League – Seconds

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Destroy All Monsters – November 22nd 1963

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hat tip: Tim Cridland.

On C2C tonight, Sunday November 22, 2009, conspiracy expert Kenn Thomas,  journalist Jim Marrs and TV producer John Barbour will join George Knapp to discuss their theories about the tragic day 46 years ago when the world lost JFK.

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Whatever Happened to “Psycho” Ronnie Rains?

Adam Gorightlyby guest blogger Adam Gorightly

Hailed by its announcers as “America’s fastest growing spectator sport!”, Roller Games (and its rival league, Roller Derby) peaked in popularity during the early 1970’s when it was in national television syndication. During this Golden Age, I’d religiously tune into the “Roller Game of the Week” on KTLA every Sunday night to hear that flamboyant trackside announcer Dick Lane, at least once a game, bellow: “Whoooooaaaaaaaaaa, Nelly!”

The Roller Game of the Week–hosted by this legendary team of the aforementioned Lane and his sidekick Bill “Hoppy” Haupt and his terminally bad hairpiece–each week featured the beloved Los Angeles Thunder Birds pitted against a rival bad guy team such as the Texas Outlaws, New York Bombers or Reilly’s Western Renegades. What would normally transpire during the course of the Roller Game of the Week was an all out orgy of screaming, violence and overall bad behavior which usually culminated in a last second victory by the T-Birds, just when it appeared that all was lost!

As each Roller Game of the Week concluded, my brother and I—both of us by now worked into a lather by the spectacle we’d just witnessed—would wrestle our way to my bedroom, relentlessly punching each other as we made our passage. Then in our stocking feet–on the slick hardwood floor with a little table placed strategically in the middle of the room to approximate the center of the roller rink–my brother would whip me out on a jam and I’d slide swiftly across the bare, hardwood floor on imaginary roller skates, throwing elbows and delivering hip checks, crashing into the walls and alarming our parents as we skated around in our socks, beating the crap out of each other.

Such was our passion for Roller Games!

But as the early 80’s rolled around, the wheels had come off the figurative skates of the Roller Games industry, due in part to the emergence of Vince McMahon’s WWF, with the likes of such steroid-pumped superstar wrestlers as Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man, Randy Savage. Although a few feeble attempts to revive Roller Games have been attempted in recent years, its glory days most likely will never be recaptured. The last serious attempt was the short-lived RollerJam of a few years back, featuring juiced guys and shapely gals in sexy uniforms in a high-octane MTV generation version of Roller Games. But for all its flash and hype, RollerJam just couldn’t capture the cheesy charm of its low budget predecessor.

Ronnie RainsMemories of the glory days of the banked track now bring a nostalgic lump to my throat as I think back to those roller stars of yore that soared around the track like comets in the night’s sky, shining bright under the hot lights of the Olympic auditorium in Los Angeles. But of all those faded stars from the halcyon days of Roller Games, none burned brighter than the L.A. T-Bird’s own “Psycho” Ronnie Rains, who was once described by an L.A. Times reporter as “a man who combines handsome physical features with the charm of Charles Manson.”

Rains, a Los Angeles native, began competing as a flat track roller skater at age 11. As an amateur, Ronnie was 3-time national speed skating champion, along the way defeating some of the best skaters in the world, as he hitchhiked around the country competing in national championships. In his early twenties, Rains made the jump to the banked track, hired to his first Roller Games contract in 1963 with the New York Bombers. During the 60’s, he spent several years with the Australian T-Birds, where he met his future wife, Australian skater Colleen Murrell. The best pure skater in the sport, Rains could skate backward on one skate better than most skaters could go forward on two, combining speed, agility and a manic personality, which captivated Roller Games fans around the globe.

In 1969, Ronnie returned to the New York Bombers as player/coach, assuming the classic role of the heel. On account of his over the top antics, opposing fans began taunting Ronnie with the nickname, “Psycho”, which continually made him go berserk and cover his ears to drown out the deafening chorus of: “Psycho, Psycho, Psycho!” Conversely, Ronnie had the ability to work crowds into a frenzy, often inciting riots at other team’s arenas.

Throughout his colorful career, Rains fluctuated between the roles of “good psycho” and “bad psycho”, just as many of today’s wrestling stars flip-flop between these good guy/bad guy personas as a marketing ploy. For many years, Rains–with his fondness for kicking opposing skaters in the face–was one of the reigning rogues of the game. Because of such bad guy tactics, Ronnie was the recipient of a bomb threat at his apartment in New York one time, and on another occasion was nearly shot by some irate fan that felt “The Psycho” needed to be put in his place. One time Ronnie enraged one spectator to the point that it caused the fellow to stand up without his crutches for the first time in years.

One of Ronnie’s most infamous routines — circa 1972 — centered around a German WW1 Kaiser helmet, the kind with a spike on top. Instead of the traditional helmet that jammers would normally use, “The Psycho” would wear this Kaiser helmet when he went out on a jam, the result of which made him seemingly invincible as he’d crash into opposing skaters and scatter them like bowling pins. For some reason, it never occurred to Ronnie to wear the helmet during the last jam of the game to score the winning points, thus his evil-hearted Bombers would always end up losing to those perennial good guy L.A. Thunderbirds. Eventually, Ronnie stopped wearing this magic helmet when it was officially banned by the Roller Games Commission on account of its evil mystical powers! That same year, Ronnie had a role in Kansas City Bomber starring Rachel Welch. Portraying the heel captain of a dastardly team called the Renegades, Ronnie’s antics proved to be the most memorable and hilarious of all those Roller Games skaters appearing in the film.

Ronnie skated with the New York Bombers until 1973, when he switched sides and joined the L.A. T-Bird’s, re-inventing himself in the image of the good natured psycho with a heart of gold. At the height of this “good guy psycho” phase Ronnie was much beloved in Los Angeles. In fact, it was the L.A. fans that turned around “The Psycho” nickname and started using it in a positive light, as over time Ronnie grew to appreciate the appellation.

A regular Harpo Marx on skates, Rains was a true comic genius. One minute he’d be racing around the track at 40 miles an hour, dodging in and out, throwing a shoulder here or an elbow there, knocking his opponents over the rail or into the infield. The next thing you’d know he’d be reaching down into the crowd and sweeping middle aged ladies off their feet, pulling them up to the railing and planting a big smooch on their cheeks.

Rains brought a creativity to the sport the likes of which hasn’t been seen since. He had a thousand gags and gimmicks, like his famous “swivel hip” routine where he’d start doing this crazy little dance to juke opposing defenders, mesmerizing them just as a teammate, like little Ralphie Valladares, would come soaring around the corner on a jam and score! Other diversionary tactics including spinning in circles, making faces at his opponents, or biting them on the ankles.

Sometimes Ronnie would grab an opposing player and, much to their chagrin, start doing the jitterbug, high stepping and clowning, which would totally confound his roller-skated nemesis. Another stunt the Psycho mastered was to lay flat on his back and then scissors-kick an oncoming opponent, launching them over his head, where they would somersault in mid-air then land flat on their backs, grimacing in pain. On other occasions, Ronnie would suddenly grab the microphone from the track announcer and start eating the cord.

As Ronnie told Roller Sport Illustrated in 1974, “No one can ever predict what I am going to do next because I don’t even know what it is. I’ll be out there skating and suddenly an inspiration will hit me. A voice will descend to me from high above, far beyond the reaches of the arena, and like a lightning bolt it will instruct me with my next move.“Just because I am the one chosen for these daring and essential deeds, the whole world is ganging up on me. Can you believe that as far away as Japan the people are up in arms against me and want to have me committed to an institution?”

During his heyday, Ronnie transformed the banked track into his own personal canvas, painting these wacky landscapes. Occasionally you’d find him during a lull in action, sitting on the rails doing a pantomime of a motorcycle rider, complete with vocal sound effects, or an imitation of a channel swimmer or Superman. Other times he’d be sticking his tongue out at a referee.

Eventually, the other teams in the league become so alarmed at Ronnie’s unpredictable behavior that they hired a man named Jess Adams to compile the infamous “Adam’s Report” to determine Ronnie’s sanity. Afterwards, when a reporter questioned the veracity of this report, implying that it was just another classic Roller Games ruse, Ronnie replied: “The Adams Report was on the up and up. It was all for real. The owners wanted me barred. They said I was psycho, when I was just eccentric.”

In 1973, one of the Psycho’s more memorable stunts took place at the Rose Bowl during a 4th of July fire works halftime display. For several weeks “The Roller Game of the Week” had been hyping how Psycho Ronnie was going to strap on a jet pack during the halftime show and fly out of the stadium. As promised, that’s exactly what he did, (well, sort of) lifting off about twenty feet above the ground and spinning in circles, then returning back to earth. On that same night there was a tribute to that irrepressible trackside announcer, Dick Lane. During the fireworks show, a bust of Lane (laced with explosives) was ignited and burst into flames to the amazement of all those in attendance.

Each “Roller Game of the Week” featured a halftime interview where inevitably the star player on one team would challenge the other team’s star to the obligatory “Match Race”. Usually the interview culminated amid a flurry of fisticuffs and threats of career ending injuries, as the venerable Bill “Hoppy” Haupt would announce to the home viewing audience that a “5 laps anything goes match race!” between the two skaters would be held the following Saturday night at the Olympic Auditorium. Like clockwork, these halftime interviews would spark a mini riot in the crowd, as the camera panned the packed arena and Hoppy would yell out: “Better call Richmond 9-5171 right now before the tickets sell out!” Then–filled with anticipation of Psycho Ronnie going mano-e-mano with his nemesis to settle once and for all who was really the superior skater–I’d race to the phone and order tickets. Only later did I discover that these Sunday night telecasts were free admissions, which explained why the stands were always filled to capacity. This tried and true formula was the brainchild of legendary T-Bird owner Bill Griffith, Sr., who utilized such P.T. Barnum theatrics to promote his product. It was a formula that worked well for many years, but as the mid-70’s rolled around, interest in Roller Games began to wane.

By the early 80’s, the Roller Games league folded and Ronnie moved on. For a while he ran a gardening business in L.A., then later a flower shop, and soon faded from popular memory. Still, the legend of “The Psycho” burns bright with a few die-hard fans, who fondly remember when he reigned supreme over the banked track, flashing an infectious smile while pounding opposing skaters into submission. In fact, a small but fanatical following can be found these days on Internet messageboards and newsgroups, keeping the memory of Ronnie’s skating days alive.

In fact, it was at one of these very Internet newsgroups that, much to my surprise and delight, I learned of Ronnie’s current whereabouts. As it turns out, he is alive and well in Portland, Oregon, where he and his wife, Colleen, own and operate a Tommy’s Burgers that is decorated with pictures and newspaper clippings from Ronnie’s Roller Games career. On any given day you can find him there, reminiscing with customers about those heady days when he was known to the world as “The Psycho”, the greatest Roller Games player to ever lace up a pair of skates.

For more about Ronnie “The Psycho” Rains visit: groups.yahoo.com/group/ronnieraines/

Postscript: The Tommy’s Burgers Controversy

As we were going to press, I discovered a series of articles from 2003 chronicling some rather questionable business practices involving Ronnie Rains and the use of the “Tommy’s Burgers” trademark, a famous Southern California restaurant chain.

According to “Miss Dish”, food critic for the Willamette Week Online (www.wweek.com), ”The signature (Tommy’s) dish is a burger with a healthy dollop of a sweet meat-only chili, cheese, onions, pickle, tomato and mustard, and the chain artfully displays the blueprint of its masterpiece with a poster titled “Anatomy of an Original Tommy’s Burger.” ”

When Miss Dish visited the Portland “Tommy’s Burgers”–which formerly operated out of a building at Southwest 20th Avenue and Morrison Street, but switched to a cart after the restaurant closed—she discovered that it sported the same “Anatomy of an Original Tommy’s Burger” image as its SoCal counterpart. When Dish asked one of the owners if they were connected to the California Tommy’s, he replied: “We’re from California…I knew Tommy.” Afterwards, Miss Dish’s research showed that this Portland version of “Tommy’s” had no affiliation to the “Original Tommy’s” of Southern California.

After this article appeared, the Portland “Tommy’s” received letters from the Original Tommy’s lawyers. Subsequently, the name was changed to “Ronnie’s”, and then shortly after to “Salt & Pepper”.

Moral of the story: You can’t keep a good psycho down!

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File O’ The Damned: Aliens Invade America!

Skylaire Alfvegren. Caricature by D. Rano.From Fizz Magazine, December 1997

by Skylaire Alfvegren

For eons I have continued gathering strange and esoteric facts, traveling the globe in search of lost archeological wonders and heretical truths; consequently, many moons have passed since my humble words have graced these pages. But a tremendous burden has been laid upon my bosom, and before FIZZ rides off into the sunset, I feel it is my duty to share it with you, dearest reader.

A decade ago, when I was an impressionable elfling, E.T. represented all I was looking for in escapist childhood fantasy; he offered something no Cabbage-Patched monstrosity could. That interplanetary pug-ugly instigated my lifelong fascination with the unknown, the hoary nether regions of inner and outer space. I asked myself, ‘Is there life on other planets?’ ‘Is it smarter than us?’ and ‘Why can’t I make my finger light up?’ As I’ve matured, so have my queries, and they’ve been condensed into one that you’re to answer: Where were you in the Great Alien Invasion of 1997?

Observant readers will note that UFOs and the alien presence have never been brought up in File o’ the Damned. This is not for lack of material or opinion. (The 50 year-old UFO question is simply impossible to dissect in 2000 words). UFOs and alien imagery seem to be the hot topic today. Like all effective propaganda, it’s influence grew quietly, with Bill Barker’s stick-figured SCHWA graphics; ubiquitous, ovoidal cranium dimestore decals and smiley-face aliens decorating the psychedelic chests of cyber-hippie love muffins. Some time later came aliens smoking Locoweed on blacklight posters and T-shirts at the local Wal Mart, child-incinerating polyurethane Halloween costumes and cute household items. The archetypal Gray has become an icon, the ’60s smiley face updated for these apocalyptic times, found alongside Elvis, Marilyn and Jesus, even (if the wall art at my local 99¢ store is an accurate barometer of public taste).

Sure, extra-terrestrials have long been in the minds of the masses. They have provided thrills, chills and comic relief on My Favorite Martian, ALF, The Man Who Fell To Earth, decades filled with half-baked sci-fi entertainment. Aliens, in their various forms, have been a staple of pop culture. (E.T. and Invasion of the Body Snatchers are among the 25 films chosen for preservation in the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress.)

But never has the ‘invasion’ been pushed, as it is being presently. The press has become unusually straightforward about UFO stories; aliens, saucers and abduction imagery have been integrated into corporate advertising. No matter what side of the wormhole you fall, everyone agrees we super-advanced humans need a diversion. Predictable elements and time-tested explanatory systems are nearly gone: Communism, Capitalism, Religion, Tradition. ‘Acceleration at warp-speed’ can’t adequately describe the progress made in this century.

Historically, one can parallel the alien revolution of the 1990s to the spiritual movement of the 1890s, when Blavatsky’s mysterious Tibetan gurus resided, conveniently, on the spiritual plane. But an endless carpet of stars makes for an even greater hiding place than the astral plane. That was the end of century, this is the end of a millennium. The worries have magnified and compounded. The inticing images of spiritualist utopias have been replaced with demonic visions of a wasteland in need of extraterrestrial intervention, wisdom to make right the blunders of man. People are angry at science; after all, it gave us bombs, pollution and that damned personal computer. This makes some more receptive to mysticism; conversely, The alien of today has replaced the spooks of yesteryear, lurking under beds and in the dark corners of the bedroom.

Aliens are on the go; they have been thought to traverse sacred energy grids; to station themselves in underwater bases; blamed for livestock mutilations which came to light in the 1960s. (Which have been occurring for centuries, just like UFO sightings). Aliens are ascribed mystical powers, telepathic powers, the ability to travel inter-dimensionally. Aliens are blamed for everything, though UFOs are just as inconsistent as their enthusiasts. Some individuals are searching for something incredible, new smoke and mirrors to replace their Harlequin romances and karaoke fantasies. And while as a whole, the scientific community operates by dogma, ostracizing dissidents, it is just as unhealthy to discount it as it is to take Coast to Coast as gospel. Aliens probe, invent, heal and kill. They are very exciting.

New-agers have been quite taken by the idea of ETs as endlessly benevolent, peaceful beings concerned only with righting the ills of humanity (the environment, race relations, male pattern baldness). Their culture is advanced millions of light years beyond our own.

Current opinion polls have recorded the highest number of UFO believers ever; and 80% of those believe the government is lying about UFOs. We need aliens. They will save us. Or they will decimate our major population centers and enslave the miserable remaining few. But the action word here is THEY. They will control our destinies, our lives. We won’t have to! It doesn’t matter if they eat us or teach us to end war, the point is, we won’t be accountable for what happens. Sandy Duncan appeared on a talk show a few years ago speaking of ET visitations. “They want to save us,” she said earnestly. “They know we’ve practically ruined the planet.”

Earthlings love to blame other earthlings when things fuck up. This is a species-wide response. We blame the teasing our corrective shoes brought in youth for the bloated shrink bill we’ve run up as an adult; we blame our bosses for lack of motivation at work, we blame, we blame, we blame… for our mistakes, we blame everyone but ourselves. Sometimes we blame our government and represented officials, still a nebulous group, even though they do actually shape our destinies. (So stop griping and do something, dammit!)

The 50th Anniversary of the Crash at Roswell

Now that the hoopla surrounding July’s 50th Anniversary of the Roswell incident has wound down, one can examine our government’s real UFO policy. The Air Force explanations become increasingly dubious while allowing the idea of an extraterrestrial presence to flourish. The Pentagon claims “we’re not prepared for an alien invasion”. One response? “pre-emptive surrender.”

Col. Philip J. Corso’s ‘monumental’ expose The Day After Roswell asserts long standing, world-wide alien contact has been kept from the public; and that it can be thanked for propulsion psychics, fiber optics and pacemakers. (Our military didn’t want a repeat of the panic caused by Orson Welles’ 1938 War of the Worlds broadcast.) One would expect a congressional investigation when a retired Pentagon official exposes an half-century of government lies. But no. Our government is encouraging UFO confusion; they have released no decisive message, but have ensured the concept of ET contact is planted firmly in the collective unconscious.

What would the government get out of scrambling the UFO issue? Plenty.

Aliens are portrayed as sinister geneticists hell-bent on mass destruction and/or enslavement. Clinton embraces the corrupt leader of China, the last Red superpower. Who can the government make us scared of in this age of global understanding and tax-free trading? Inter-galactic enemies are an intangible, amorphous threat, and a great diversionary tactic: in this post Cold War era, the throngs must be convinced all those billions sucked up by the military aren’t wasted.

Confusion

So now that the idea of ETs has finally invaded mainstream consciousness, we find the least camaraderie among believers. The more varied theories and ideas circulating the more confusion possible. One must ask, are alien activists like Art Bell, Whitley Streiber, Col. Corso and Richard Hoagland… for real? Are they government marionettes, egomaniacs or truly inspired? (Commander X, contactee/hybrid parent/philosopher is actually a well known conspiracy author fattening his bankroll during off-season) When one’s desire for the extra-ordinary becomes stronger than a desire for truth, you are in trouble.

The CIA is too busy overthrowing democratically elected governments in South America to deal with the ragtags who gather for UFO conventions; still, jokes are made about lecturers being tapped. When asked if the government were hiding their alien contact from the public, one observer commented “They could barely hide their sale of arms to the Contras; what makes you think they could hide ETs?” Conferences are a forum for non-academics to present their ideas, that’s important, but shouldn’t do away with principles of research. Everything in moderation.

In Closing

In a nutshell, my message for today is: don’t be a sucker. Ask questions, read books, think thoughts. Few people have all the answers, and they all sit on the Bilderberg Committee, and you can’t talk to them anyway. The UFO question is still shrouded in mystery. Ask: Why are sightings of certain types of ‘ET’ craft concentrated in one part of the world? Why did triangular, mile-wide ‘holographs’ make nonstop appearances over Europe last year (Coast to Coast host Art Bell reported one of North America’s only sightings of such a craft in Nevada)? Why is Mexico inundated with ‘plasma crafts’, nebulous orbs pulsating with soft, amber light, which appear almost no where else? The naive days of George Adamski, Kenneth Arnold and Valiant Thor (a dapper emissary from the planet we call Venus) may be over, but the UFO question has only grown more complex. It would take a helluva lot more than pie tins to fake a saucer scare in this day and age….

(Skylaire Alfvegren)

*****

Please send all letters, clipped articles, elf magic, alien artifacts, and general pleasantness to: Skylaire Alfvegren, P.O. Box 291842, Los Angeles, CA 90029. (enclose SASE for a recommended reading list and/or sparklingly witty response).

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Mr. John A. Keel, R.I.P.

Mr. John A. Keel

John Alva Keel
March 25, 1930 -
July 3, 2009

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